Being a man implied not listening to the concerns of a woman.  At least, in my case, that was the understanding.  Maybe it was the way my father had left my mother and talked condescendingly about my mother when I was a kid.  Or maybe it was the way my mother shed her tears of loss after the divorce, for years, and I just didn't know how to help her.   Maybe both.

I once asked my second wife if we could work on talking things out and become friends. Looking back, I held few communication skills at the time.  We were both often angry and disrespectful.  She was there asking for a divorce, and I was there asking her to be my friend!!  She told me she didn't need another friend - she already had women friends.   I wonder how I ever managed being married without being a friend to my own wife.  I needed to communicate with the woman....not just live with her...not just marry her and hope things worked out.  I imagine there are other men who rarely talk with their partner in personal and sincere conversations. 

For me, women were always overwhelming.  I didn't know who I was, and I felt unsure around them.  I had yet to figure things out for myself.   At that time my male role models had little, if any, useful advice to share.  During this period of my life, my close friends and relatives also seemed to be going through relationship difficulties and marriage breakdowns.  So where could I have gone to find some answers?

Women are comfortable talking with women about men, and about what they want out of 'relationships'.  On the other hand,  men often meander along from relationship to relationship hoping that, someday, a certain woman will magically make it all come together.  I would say that men learn well from their male peers when it comes to acquiring vocational trades or academic skills.  But what does a man do when neither he nor his friends know what it takes to make a marriage work?  

He fails.  He fails again and again, over and over, until eventually (if at all) he hears from another man the very useful knowledge he requires.  Until a man is privy to successful relationship skills from another trusted male figure, his entire life will be spent turning in circles.  Even women may not know that most men need to be awakened by other men, not by women. 

I recall talking with a friend name Geoff one afternoon - I was going through another failing relationship at the time.  I couldn't understand why my female partner didn't want to quit work and travel across Asia with me.  I couldn't understand why 'escaping' wasn't her idea of a good time.  Maybe it was something else I said that inspired Geoff to offer some advice.  He quietly spoke up;  "Bill, women are nest-builders.  So, if you want to keep a woman happy, you must help her build that nest."    

While going through my umpteenth heartbreak, from my umpteenth failed relationship, I finally came to the realization that I had never made the woman in my life feel like she was number one.  I was so busy taking care of my own needs for travel, or music, or career plans, that I never took the time to 'help build the nest' for the woman in my life, the woman I supposedly loved.  On the other hand, looking back at it all, that time in my life was a lengthy period of 'Self' discovery....a period of new encounters, creative expression, and discovering that selfishness can never nurture a loving partnership.

My older brother David had written a poem just days before his death at the age of nineteen.  It went something like this: "Life is a Verb: ... I eat, I sleep, I wake, I write, I paint, I fall, I die ... I do all the verbs".   Well, after finally awakening from my own slumber, I would add that "Love is a Verb".  Love is about giving.  And essentially, for the male householder, love is about building a nest for the wife and family.  An unaware man doesn't maintain the family nest, because his wife and family are always secondary to his private interests.  In contrast, a loving and committed husband is often demonstrating that the wife and children are more important than some daily routine, some party-time with buddies, or some personal hobby. 

It doesn't take much to understand that a wife needs to be shown, through actions, that she is number one.  She then feels reassured that she is not secondary to her husband's private interests.   Once she knows her mate is a sincere and devoted 'nest-builder', why would she ever want to leave?   Would she not, instead, feel appreciated and fulfilled?

When I take a very close look at my own life today, I see that I am happy being committed and devoted to my wife and family.  It fills my heart with love.  I have learned that "Love is a verb".

Here is a song from Garth Brooks titled "If Tomorrow Never Comes"
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4144836036984721479


Regarding the notion of having an affair:
This is where 'the faculty of discrimination' comes into play, not only for that particular monk, but for any average working Joe across the planet.
http://www.blissful-wisdom.com/a-monk-asks-about-sexual-thoughts.html
Sometimes our desires present us with a host of unwanted consequences.